(The ideas and content of this post come right out of Pete Scazzero's book, "The Emotionally Healthy Leader." This book has had a profound impact on my life and leadership. The content is so good and rich I have summarized it to provide for you a picture of what an emotionally unhealthy leader looks like.)
What comes to mind when you think of an emotionally unhealthy leader? Or better yet, who is the first person that comes to mind? How would you describe this person? Is it someone who is chronically angry, controlling, aggressive? Or perhaps someone who is avoidant, inauthentic, emotional, passive aggressive? While emotionally unhealthy leadership expresses itself in all these ways and many more, the foundation definition of an emotionally unhealthy leaders is this:
The emotionally unhealthy leader is someone who operates in a continuous state of emotional and spiritual deficit, lacking emotional maturity and a “being with God” sufficient to sustain their “doing for God.”
Unhealthy leaders lack self-awareness, awareness of their feelings, their weaknesses, their limits, how their past affects them, and how others experience them. They carry these immaturities with them into their teams and everything they do.
This is key, Spiritual deficits typically reveal themselves in too much activity. Unhealthy leaders engage in more activities than their combined spiritual, physical and emotional reserves can sustain. Results in emotionally and spiritually unhealthy people leading unhealthy ministries.
Four Characteristics of the Emotionally Unhealthy Leader.
1. LOW SELF-AWARENESS.
Emotionally unhealthy leaders tend to be unaware of what is going on inside them. And even when they recognize a strong emotion such as anger, they fail to process or express it honestly and appropriately. They ignore emotion-related messages their body may send — fatigue, stress-induced illness, weight gain, ulcers, headaches, or depression. They avoid reflecting on their fears, sadness, or anger. They fail to consider how God might be trying to communicate with them through these “difficult” emotions. They struggle to articulate the reasons for their emotional triggers, their overreactions in the present rooted in difficult experiences from their past.
2. PRIORITIZE MINISTRY OVER MARRIAGE OR SINGLENESS.
Whether married or single, most emotionally unhealthy leaders affirm the importance of a healthy intimacy in relationships and lifestyle, but few, if any, have a vision for their marriage or singleness as the greatest gift they offer. Instead, they view their marriage or singleness as an essential and stable foundation for something more important — building an effective ministry, which is their first priority. As a result, they invest the best of their time and energy in becoming better equipped as a leader, and invest very little in cultivating a great marriage or single life that reveals Jesus’ love to the world.
3. DO MORE ACTIVITY FOR GOD THAN YOUR RELATIONSHIP CAN SUSTAIN.
Emotionally unhealthy leaders are chronically overextended. Although they routinely have too much to do in too little time, they persist in saying a knee-jerk yes to new opportunities before prayerfully and carefully discerning God’s will. The notion of a slowed-down spirituality — or slowed-down leadership — in which their doing for Jesus flows out of their being with Jesus is a foreign concept. If they think of it at all, spending time in solitude and silence is viewed as a luxury or something best suited for a different kind of leader, not part of their core spiritual practices or essential for effective leadership. Their first priority is leading their organization, team, or ministry as a means of impacting the world for Christ. If you were to ask them to list their top three priorities for how they spend their time as a leader, it’s unlikely that cultivating a deep, transformative relationship with Jesus would make the list. As a result, fragmentation and depletion constitute the “normal” condition for their lives and their leadership.
4. LACK WORK/SABBATH RHYTHM.
Emotionally unhealthy leaders do not practice Sabbath — a weekly, twenty-four-hour period in which they cease all work and rest, delight in God’s gifts, and enjoy life with him. They might view Sabbath observance as irrelevant, optional, or even a burdensome legalism that belongs to an ancient past. Or they may make no distinction between the biblical practice of Sabbath and a day off, using “Sabbath” time for the unpaid work of life, such as paying bills, grocery shopping, and errands. If they practice Sabbath at all, they do so inconsistently, believing they need to first finish all their work or work hard enough to “earn” the right to rest.
Truth is this, leading a church, an organization, or a ministry that transforms the world requires more than the latest leadership strategies and techniques. Lasting change in churches and organizations requires men and women who have been deeply changed by God and who are committed to leading from a deep and transformed inner life.
If you are going to lead from a deep and transformed inner life, you must:
1. FACE YOUR SHADOW SIDE.
Your shadow is the accumulation of untamed emotions, less-than-pure motives and thoughts that, while largely unconscious, strongly influence and shape your behaviors. It is the damaged but mostly hidden version of who you are. The shadow may erupt in various forms. Sometimes it reveals itself in sinful behaviors, such as judgmental perfectionism, outbursts of anger, jealousy, resentment, lust, greed, or bitterness. Or it may reveal itself more subtly through a need to rescue others and be liked by people, a need to be noticed, an inability to stop working, a tendency toward isolation, or rigidity. Aspects of the shadow may be sinful, but they may also simply be weaknesses or wounds. They tend to appear in the ways we try to protect ourselves from feeling vulnerable or exposed.
Most leaders search out books on leadership to discover new tools, ideas, or skills. We are charged with the task of knowing what to do next, knowing why it is important, and then bringing the necessary resources to bear to make it happen. Yet the first and most difficult task we face as leaders is to lead ourselves. Why? Because it requires confronting parts of who we are that we prefer to neglect, forget, or deny. The first step by allowing himself to experience the sharp pain of confronting aspects of himself he has previously worked hard to avoid.
Most leaders search out books on leadership to discover new tools, ideas, or skills. We are charged with the task of knowing what to do next, knowing why it is important, and then bringing the necessary resources to bear to make it happen. Yet the first and most difficult task we face as leaders is to lead ourselves. Why? Because it requires confronting parts of who we are that we prefer to neglect, forget, or deny. The first step by allowing himself to experience the sharp pain of confronting aspects of himself he has previously worked hard to avoid.
2. LEAD OUT OF A HEALTHY MARRIAGE.
For many of us we believe that a leader’s highest priority is to build an effective and successful ministry to reveal Jesus’ love to the world. We give our best time and energy to achieve that objective. Marriage or singleness is important, but secondary on the priority list. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Marriage Is Your first Ambition. The word ambition is defined as “a strong desire to achieve something.” That seems like a reasonable thing to have, right? The first ambition for married Christian leaders must shift from leading our church, organization, or team to loving our spouse passionately. Marriage is your loudest Gospel message.
3. SLOW DOWN TO BE WITH GOD.
It is possible to build a church, an organization, or a team by relying only on our gifts, talents, and experience. We can serve Christ in our own energy and wisdom. We can expand a ministry or a business without thinking much of Jesus or relying on him in the process. We can boldly preach truths we don’t live. And if our efforts prove successful, few people will notice or take issue with the gaps between who we are and what we do.
What Is Loving Union? Loving union is not the de facto equivalent of devotions and quiet time. Nor is it about engaging in a long list of spiritual practices. Or having emotionally intense experiences with God. Loving union is not about managing your schedule better or simply not being busy. It is not so much about having a sustainable pace of life. As important as such things may be, it is possible to engage in them without necessarily experiencing loving union. So what is loving union, and why does it require so much time?
In his classic book Prayer, theologian Hans Urs von Balthasar describes Jesus this way: “Here is a man, sinless, because he has lovingly allowed the Father’s will full scope in his life.” Think about that simple but profound statement for a moment. Read it a few more times until it really sinks in. What von Balthasar is describing here is loving union — to lovingly allow God to have full access to your life. These are Jesus’ words to the Christians in Laodicea and to us: “Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me." Revelation 3:20
4. KEEP THE SABBATH.
Biblical Sabbath is a twenty-four-hour block of time in which we stop work, enjoy rest, practice delight, and contemplate God. The traditional Jewish Sabbath begins at sundown on Friday and ends at sundown Saturday. In most Christian traditions, Sabbath has been observed on Sunday. The apostle Paul considered one day for Sabbath as good as another (Romans 14: 1 – 17). So the particular day of the week doesn’t matter. What matters is to set aside a twenty-four-hour period and protect it. The fact that Sabbath happens weekly means that it has a rhythm, one that stands in stark contrast to the typical rhythm of the world around us. Four foundational characteristics of Sabbath are, stop work, enjoy rest, practice delight, and contemplate God.
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