Tuesday, November 16, 2021

GRIEVING WELL


One afternoon while driving to my counselor's office, I began thinking about longevity in ministry.  I asked myself this question, "How in the world does any Pastor make it to retirement?"  I was dealing with some issues beneath the surface of my life that had been triggered by difficulties and challenges within the Church.  As I drove I found myself wishing I could find someone who had pastored a church for more than 30 years and ask them this question, "What's the secret?  How did you make it that far?"   

During my session with my counselor, I came to the realization that I was struggling with grief and loss.  I had stuffed my pain and my sadness down deep into my soul hoping that those emotions would somehow disappear so I wouldn't have to deal with them again.  The way I would deal with loss is to work.  Working would keep me distracted enough so that I did not have to deal with the pains and losses of life and ministry.  After years of stuffing, I came to discover that emotions buried alive never die.  Like the walking dead, they eventually came back to haunt me!

In my journey of the soul, I came to realize that the secret to happiness in life and longevity in ministry is grieving well.  

When we read the story of Job in the Scriptures, we feel awful for him because he lost everything in one day, his family, his wealth, his health, and his possessions.  What I have been learning over the years is that we are all Job, except our losses happen over a lifetime.  We eventually lose our kids to adulthood, our jobs to retirement, our health to aging, our loved ones to death, and eventually we lose all of our possessions at the end of our lives.  All throughout our lives we face many deaths that need to be grieved.

Life is a series of losses and so is ministry.  

In ministry we lose members, we lose relationships, we lose people we love, and we lose our energy and youthfulness.  For me, one of the hardest things I have had to deal with is losing the people I love.  Some because of retirement or relocation, others because they were hurt or offended.  Losing people has always been the hardest for me especially when they leave and they don't tell me why. 

What do we do when we experience loss?  We grieve well.  


I know that grieving is not something we love to experience.  We don't like how grieving feels, we don't like what it does to us emotionally, and we don't like the feelings that bring to the surface, but God created us with the ability to grieve so we can heal from what we have lost.  

Grief is our natural response to any loss.  It's the emotional suffering we experience when something or someone has been taken away from you.  It can feel overwhelming.  Grieving is messy, but what I am learning is that grieving is healing and an essential ingredient in living and leading well.  Healthy souls grieve well.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve, or timetable to determine how long you should grieve.  What is the most important is that you allow yourself to grieve.  Create the space to grieve.  Ignoring loss will not make the pain go away faster.  That's a myth.  Grieving allows you to face your pain, in the presence of the one who heals you of your pain.  

1 Thessalonians 4:13, "Do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope."  When we grieve we grieve with hope, knowing and believing that grieving is healing, God is with us, God is present with us, and God will work all things that we experience in our life and somehow bring good out of it.  The more we allow ourselves to grieve, the more we allow ourselves to heal, the more we are able to experience joy. Psalm 30:5, "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."   

What I am learning is the more I allow myself to feel sadness over the losses I have experienced in life, the more I am able to experience the joys of life.  


When I allow myself to feel sadness, I enlarge my soul to feel happiness.  Over these past several years I have been the happiest I have ever been in my life because I have grieved the most I have ever grieved in my life.  When losses come, I choose to grieve instead of stuff.  What I am learning is that the more I grieve the easier it is to grieve and the quicker I heal from those losses.  

I am learning how to grieve based on Jesus example of grief and loss as he led his disciples in communion on the night that he was betrayed.    Jesus did three things which gives us an example of how to grieve well.  

1.  HOLD THE CUP.  


When Jesus gathered His disciples he took the cup, as he held it He gave thanks.  We all will be given a cup to drink.  That cup represents loss, sorrow and pain.  My cup may look different than your cup, but we will all be given a cup.   When Jesus was in the garden, He even prayed in Luke 22:42, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me, yet not my will, but yours be done."  When we experience loss, we are to hold it, and give God thanks.  We are to pay attention to it and not ignore it.  We don't thank Him for the loss, but we thank Him for the strength, we thank Him because He is good, and we thank Him because we know that somehow and someway good will come from the pain.  When we hold the cup we hold the pain, we hold the sorrow, and we hold the loss.  We allow ourselves to feel it.  We surrender it to God and pray, not my will, but yours be done. 

2.  RAISE THE CUP.


We raise the cup to God.  We offer Him our grief and our sorrow in that painful and confusing place we may find ourselves in.  We give Him our pain.  We release everything to Jesus who knows all things.  We offer our suffering to Jesus.  Jesus is a man of sorrows, acquainted with our grief.  He knows what we feel.  He knows what we are experiencing.  He weeps with those who weeps.  He mourns with those who mourn.  When we raise our cup to Him, He meets us and He comforts us and He gives us the strength to walk through what we are walking through.  

3.  DRINK THE CUP.


After we raise the cup to Jesus, we drink the cup.  We accept what has happened and we allow it to be absorbed into our lives.  The suffering, the loss and the pain shape us and make us into the people God calls us to be.  Absorbing the loss also allows the old to birth the new.  Resurrection only comes out of suffering and death.  You can only experience a new beginning when you choose to embrace an ending.  

I love what Pete Scazerro says, "Grieving is not just letting go, but also letting it bless us."  


As I have learned to grieve, I have allowed grief to bless me.  I have experienced healing, and have found a new found joy and strength from God.  Grieving has also helped me love others better and be more in tune and in touch with others who are going through grief and loss.  I am learning to be more empathetic, compassionate, caring and kind.  I am becoming more loving, gracious, and concerning.  I haven't arrived, but I am growing and learning.  Grieving well has made such a better leader, and most importantly a better follower of Jesus.  My prayer for you today is that you grow in grief and discover the secret of grieving well.  




Friday, November 05, 2021

THE EMOTIONALLY UNHEALTHY LEADER



(The ideas and content of this post come right out of Pete Scazzero's book, "The Emotionally Healthy Leader." This book has had a profound impact on my life and leadership. The content is so good and rich I have summarized it to provide for you a picture of what an emotionally unhealthy leader looks like.)

What comes to mind when you think of an emotionally unhealthy leader? Or better yet, who is the first person that comes to mind? How would you describe this person? Is it someone who is chronically angry, controlling, aggressive? Or perhaps someone who is avoidant, inauthentic, emotional, passive aggressive? While emotionally unhealthy leadership expresses itself in all these ways and many more, the foundation definition of an emotionally unhealthy leaders is this: 

The emotionally unhealthy leader is someone who operates in a continuous state of emotional and spiritual deficit, lacking emotional maturity and a “being with God” sufficient to sustain their “doing for God.”


Unhealthy leaders lack self-awareness, awareness of their feelings, their weaknesses, their limits, how their past affects them, and how others experience them. They carry these immaturities with them into their teams and everything they do.

This is key, Spiritual deficits typically reveal themselves in too much activity. Unhealthy leaders engage in more activities than their combined spiritual, physical and emotional reserves can sustain. Results in emotionally and spiritually unhealthy people leading unhealthy ministries.

Four Characteristics of the Emotionally Unhealthy Leader.


1. LOW SELF-AWARENESS. 


Emotionally unhealthy leaders tend to be unaware of what is going on inside them. And even when they recognize a strong emotion such as anger, they fail to process or express it honestly and appropriately. They ignore emotion-related messages their body may send — fatigue, stress-induced illness, weight gain, ulcers, headaches, or depression. They avoid reflecting on their fears, sadness, or anger. They fail to consider how God might be trying to communicate with them through these “difficult” emotions. They struggle to articulate the reasons for their emotional triggers, their overreactions in the present rooted in difficult experiences from their past. 


2. PRIORITIZE MINISTRY OVER MARRIAGE OR SINGLENESS. 


Whether married or single, most emotionally unhealthy leaders affirm the importance of a healthy intimacy in relationships and lifestyle, but few, if any, have a vision for their marriage or singleness as the greatest gift they offer. Instead, they view their marriage or singleness as an essential and stable foundation for something more important — building an effective ministry, which is their first priority. As a result, they invest the best of their time and energy in becoming better equipped as a leader, and invest very little in cultivating a great marriage or single life that reveals Jesus’ love to the world. 

3. DO MORE ACTIVITY FOR GOD THAN YOUR RELATIONSHIP CAN SUSTAIN.  


Emotionally unhealthy leaders are chronically overextended. Although they routinely have too much to do in too little time, they persist in saying a knee-jerk yes to new opportunities before prayerfully and carefully discerning God’s will. The notion of a slowed-down spirituality — or slowed-down leadership — in which their doing for Jesus flows out of their being with Jesus is a foreign concept. If they think of it at all, spending time in solitude and silence is viewed as a luxury or something best suited for a different kind of leader, not part of their core spiritual practices or essential for effective leadership. Their first priority is leading their organization, team, or ministry as a means of impacting the world for Christ. If you were to ask them to list their top three priorities for how they spend their time as a leader, it’s unlikely that cultivating a deep, transformative relationship with Jesus would make the list. As a result, fragmentation and depletion constitute the “normal” condition for their lives and their leadership. 

4. LACK WORK/SABBATH RHYTHM. 


Emotionally unhealthy leaders do not practice Sabbath — a weekly, twenty-four-hour period in which they cease all work and rest, delight in God’s gifts, and enjoy life with him. They might view Sabbath observance as irrelevant, optional, or even a burdensome legalism that belongs to an ancient past. Or they may make no distinction between the biblical practice of Sabbath and a day off, using “Sabbath” time for the unpaid work of life, such as paying bills, grocery shopping, and errands. If they practice Sabbath at all, they do so inconsistently, believing they need to first finish all their work or work hard enough to “earn” the right to rest.

Truth is this, leading a church, an organization, or a ministry that transforms the world requires more than the latest leadership strategies and techniques. Lasting change in churches and organizations requires men and women who have been deeply changed by God and who are committed to leading from a deep and transformed inner life.


If you are going to lead from a deep and transformed inner life, you must:


1.  FACE YOUR SHADOW SIDE. 


Your shadow is the accumulation of untamed emotions, less-than-pure motives and thoughts that, while largely unconscious, strongly influence and shape your behaviors. It is the damaged but mostly hidden version of who you are. The shadow may erupt in various forms. Sometimes it reveals itself in sinful behaviors, such as judgmental perfectionism, outbursts of anger, jealousy, resentment, lust, greed, or bitterness. Or it may reveal itself more subtly through a need to rescue others and be liked by people, a need to be noticed, an inability to stop working, a tendency toward isolation, or rigidity. Aspects of the shadow may be sinful, but they may also simply be weaknesses or wounds. They tend to appear in the ways we try to protect ourselves from feeling vulnerable or exposed.

Most leaders search out books on leadership to discover new tools, ideas, or skills. We are charged with the task of knowing what to do next, knowing why it is important, and then bringing the necessary resources to bear to make it happen. Yet the first and most difficult task we face as leaders is to lead ourselves. Why? Because it requires confronting parts of who we are that we prefer to neglect, forget, or deny. The first step by allowing himself to experience the sharp pain of confronting aspects of himself he has previously worked hard to avoid.

2.  LEAD OUT OF A HEALTHY MARRIAGE. 


For many of us we believe that a leader’s highest priority is to build an effective and successful ministry to reveal Jesus’ love to the world. We give our best time and energy to achieve that objective. Marriage or singleness is important, but secondary on the priority list. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Marriage Is Your first Ambition. The word ambition is defined as “a strong desire to achieve something.” That seems like a reasonable thing to have, right? The first ambition for married Christian leaders must shift from leading our church, organization, or team to loving our spouse passionately. Marriage is your loudest Gospel message.


3.  SLOW DOWN TO BE WITH GOD. 


It is possible to build a church, an organization, or a team by relying only on our gifts, talents, and experience. We can serve Christ in our own energy and wisdom. We can expand a ministry or a business without thinking much of Jesus or relying on him in the process. We can boldly preach truths we don’t live. And if our efforts prove successful, few people will notice or take issue with the gaps between who we are and what we do. 

What Is Loving Union? Loving union is not the de facto equivalent of devotions and quiet time. Nor is it about engaging in a long list of spiritual practices. Or having emotionally intense experiences with God. Loving union is not about managing your schedule better or simply not being busy. It is not so much about having a sustainable pace of life. As important as such things may be, it is possible to engage in them without necessarily experiencing loving union. So what is loving union, and why does it require so much time? 

In his classic book Prayer, theologian Hans Urs von Balthasar describes Jesus this way: “Here is a man, sinless, because he has lovingly allowed the Father’s will full scope in his life.”  Think about that simple but profound statement for a moment. Read it a few more times until it really sinks in. What von Balthasar is describing here is loving union — to lovingly allow God to have full access to your life. These are Jesus’ words to the Christians in Laodicea and to us: “Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me." Revelation 3:20


4.  KEEP THE SABBATH.


Biblical Sabbath is a twenty-four-hour block of time in which we stop work, enjoy rest, practice delight, and contemplate God. The traditional Jewish Sabbath begins at sundown on Friday and ends at sundown Saturday. In most Christian traditions, Sabbath has been observed on Sunday. The apostle Paul considered one day for Sabbath as good as another (Romans 14: 1 – 17). So the particular day of the week doesn’t matter. What matters is to set aside a twenty-four-hour period and protect it. The fact that Sabbath happens weekly means that it has a rhythm, one that stands in stark contrast to the typical rhythm of the world around us. Four foundational characteristics of Sabbath are, stop work, enjoy rest, practice delight, and contemplate God.


Tuesday, November 02, 2021

LIVING WITH RHYTHMS



Rhythm is the movement or repeated pattern of a beat. Rhythm is music’s pattern in time. It is the one indispensable element of all music. Rhythm can exist without melody, but melody cannot exist without rhythm. Rhythm is what keeps a song together.

In creation, there is also a rhythm. The sun rises and the sun sets. The tide comes in and goes out. Birds migrate and return. Seasons change. There is life and death. God’s rhythmic imprint has been placed upon the earth and heavens. Our senses are aware of theses rhythms — we can smell the air and know what the weather will be like. We’re used to the rhythm of the climate.

Not only are there rhythms in creation, but there are also rhythms in our own lives. We have the rhythm of work, rest, vacations, holidays, school, seasons, etc… This is what I am learning about rhythms.   

When our rhythms are in sync with God’s rhythms, life flows easily – we have more energy and tend to view things more positively, and we are more connected with God and others and we find life more satisfying. 


When we live our lives out of sync, we live erratic, stressful, overworked lives which is causing arrhythmia of the soul. Arrhythmia is a term used to refer to an irregular heartbeat. When we have arrhythmia of the soul we live irregular, off balance lives that leave us depleted, burnt out, without margin, and most concerning stuck spiritually with very little or no space to cultivate and grow in relationship with God. 

HOW'S YOUR SOUL?


When our lives are out of sync with God's rhythm for us, our soul makes a lot of noise.  What kind of noise is your soul making right now?  Is your soul crying out, "I'm overwhelmed, tired, worn out, burnt out, exhausted.  I just can't keep doing this!"  Is your soul dreaming about going away for a month just to rest and even maybe thinking about never coming back?    If you are, you are probably dealing with arrhythmia of the soul.  Here are some of the symptoms.  

1. IRRITABILITY OR HYPERSENSITIVITY.


Things that normally wouldn’t bother us (such as a child’s mistake, another driver cutting us off in traffic or a coworker’s irritating habit) put us over the edge. We may or may not express our rage outwardly, but inwardly we are aware of reactions that are all out of proportion to the event itself.

2. RESTLESSNESS.


We can’t relax. Sit still. We always have to be on the go always having to do something. When it is time to rest, we might find ourselves unable to settle down and sit quietly or fall asleep. Because we are overstimulated, our sleep may be broken, disturbed by too much mental activity or disturbing dreams.

3. COMPULSIVE OVERWORKING.


“Overwork is this decade’s cocaine, the problem without a name,” says Bryan Robinson, who has written widely about the phenomenon and estimates that as many as 25 percent of Americans have this addiction. A chronic worker is one who has no boundaries on work, checks e-mail late into the evening, and is unable to unplug completely to go on vacation, to enter into solitude or to spend uninterrupted time with family.

4. EMOTIONAL NUMBNESS.


When we are pushing our limit, we may notice that we can’t feel anything— good or bad. It takes energy to experience and process a full range of human emotion.

5. ESCAPIST THOUGHTS AND BEHAVIORS.


First off, we may have these feelings of wanting to escape from our lives. Like if I can only move to the beach, everything will be so much better! Trust me, I have had the thoughts.

6. NOT ABLE TO ATTEND TO YOUR NEEDS.


We don’t have time to take care of basic human needs such as exercise, eating right, sleeping enough, going to the doctor, having that minor (or major) surgery we need. Even such simple things as getting the car washed, picking up the dry cleaning or staying organized seem impossible to accomplish, indicating that we’re pushing the limits of being human. We may also notice that our most important relationships (family and friends) are routinely being short-changed.

7. SLIPPAGE IN YOUR SPIRITUAL PRACTICES.


Practices that are normally life-giving (solitude and silence, prayer, personal reflection on Scripture, journaling, self-examination, caring for the body) become burdensome, and we don’t have energy for them even though we know they are good for us. We might even find that we are so accustomed to using God and Scripture for ministry purposes that we no longer know how to be with God for ourselves personally. We know that there are things we need to attend to in God’s presence, but we truly do not have the energy or the will. Over time, this becomes a symptom and also a source of our depletion.

We must all come face to face with our limits and embrace God’s rhythms for our lives. There are limits to our time, limits to our energy, limits to our resources, limits to our finances. When we embrace those limits, we will discover a life of peace and contentment.

What we need to discover are God’s sacred rhythms for our lives. These rhythms feed and nourish the soul, keeping us open and available for God’s work in our lives, they are countercultural and require discipline. 

In Matthew 11:28-30, Jesus says, “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”


If we can learn these unforced rhythms of grace, Jesus says, we will learn to live freely and lightly with God.


What are those unforced rhythms of grace?  Here are a few that have helped me.  


1.  RHYTHM OF SILENCE AND SOLITUDE.


Solitude is a place. It is a place in time that is set apart for God and God alone, a time when we unplug and withdraw from the noise of interpersonal interactions, from the noise, busyness and constant stimulation associated with life in the company of others. With a physical place that has been set apart for times alone with God, a place that is not cluttered with work, noise, technology, other relationships, or any of those things that call us back into doing mode. Most important, solitude is a place inside myself where God’s Spirit and my spirit dwell together in union. This place within me is private and reserved for the intimacies that God and I share.  In Solitude we are still, silent, and with God. We pray, read Scripture, listen, give attention to our souls, unplug, and are present with what is.  I have learned to practice silence and solitude at least 2 to 3 times per day.  Longer in the mornings and a shorter moments throughout my day.  It center's me and keeps me connected with God.  I have also learned to practice silence and solitude weekly and months by taking an entire day to be with God each month.  


2.  RHYTHM OF SABBATH.


The word Sabbath comes from the Hebrew word that means “to cease, to stop working.” It refers to doing nothing related to work for a twenty-four hour period each week. It refers to this unit of time around which we are to orient our entire lives as “holy,” meaning “separate, a cut above” the other six days. Sabbath provides for us now an additional rhythm for an entire reorientation of our lives around the living God.  During sabbath we imitate God by stopping our work and resting for 24 hours.  I do my best not to shop, do household chores, or anything revolving my work.  I learn just to rest and be, because we all need a break from he busyness of the world, and the world needs a break from us.  

3.  RHYTHM OF EXERCISE.  


Can't stress enough how important exercise is to your mental, emotional and physical rest.  Walking, running, moving your body a few times per week can help reduce stress, release anxiety, and keep you mentally and emotionally healthy and stable.  

4.  RHYTHM OF REST. 


Going to bed early and getting enough sleep is critical to your health.  Also, resting weekly, and an extended time of resting annually can restore your soul and rejuvenate your spirit.  Doing things that fill your bucket, and rest your soul are also so important like walking, nature, the arts, hiking, sports, can be so life giving.  I love it when I go for a long walk in nature.  It feeds my soul and rests my mind and heart from the worries of life.  I recognize that God is inc control.  

5.  RHYTHM OF FUN.  


I wonder how many of us schedule times in our week for fun?  The word recreation comes from recreate.  We  re create when we do things we enjoy and are fun to do like go to a concert, hang out with friends, go out to dinner, watch a funny movie, play a sport, go to an amusement park, family movie night or family game night, date night, etc... Life is meant to be enjoyed.  A healthy leader is learning how to enjoy life. 

6.  RHYTHM OF RELATIONSHIPS. 


I have learned to meet regularly with a counselor, a spiritual director and a coach.  These professional relationships have had an incredible impact on my life and helped me become healthy.  I also make space  to be with my family, my wife, my boys, my close friends and those I love.  The healthier I get, the more I realize is that life is more about being present with others, rather than getting things done on my to do list.  I am also learning how important it is to have friends outside the church.  I realize I need relationships that make me feel normal outside of my role as a pastor.  

WHERE DO YOU BEGIN? STOP, LOOK, LISTEN


STOP what you are doing and LOOK at how you are living. Look at your rhythms. Look within you to see if you are exhibiting any symptoms that you indicate you may be living with arrhythmia of the soul. LISTEN to your body, your heart, and your soul and LISTEN to the Holy Spirit. Come face to face with the understanding that how you are living is not good and start making changes.  Take out your calendar and schedule these rhythms in.  These rhythms feed and nourish your soul, keeping you open and available for God’s work in your life. If you can learn these unforced rhythms of grace, Jesus says, we will learn to live freely and lightly with God.

Recommended resource:  Sacred Rhythms by Ruth Haley Barton