RE-DEFINING SUCCESS

Defining success properly is one of the most important steps towards becoming a healthy leader.  Most leaders define success as the accomplishment of a desired vision or goal.  For some success is completing a building project, or reaching a financial goal or attendance goal, or growing an organization in size and number.  So we equate being successful outwardly, as being successful.  While many in western culture would say that bigger is better, the reality is that we can reach all of our goals, and outwardly be successful, but inwardly being failing miserably.  Or, outwardly it could appear like we are failing, but we are actually succeeding.  The problem is with our definition of success.  

If we can define success properly, then we can remain centered both in the highs and lows of life and ministry.  

In my journey towards becoming an emotionally and spiritually healthy leader I had to come face to face with the question, "What is success?" Not because I wasn't succeeding outwardly, but because my definition was not healthy.  It was driven by ego, insecurity and the need to be validated.  Outwardly, I was very successful, accomplishing much for God, as I saw the Church I pastored grow from 100 to a 1,000 in just 5 years.  However, inwardly I was empty, disconnected to God, myself and others, and dying spiritually.  To most people, I was successful, but in reality, I was failing at what mattered most.

So, what is success?  After several years, my Church plateaued and I crashed.  I had to come to the place where I needed to get a healthy understanding of what it meant to be successful.  Pete Scazzero helped me alot in this area.  Reading his books and listening to his podcasts gave me an understanding of what success is for me as a leader.  

I came to understand that success is becoming who God wants me to become, doing what God wants me to do, in the way He wants me to do it, in his timing.  

At first, this was very difficult for me to embrace this definition of success.  However, as I learned to release the results to God, and focus more on becoming the person He wanted me to become, and doing what He wanted me to do, I started to experience a deep peace, contentment and centeredness with God that began to drive my life and ministry.  I can remember the day that I journaled these words, "I am more passionate about growing in my relationship with Christ than growing a Church."  I couldn't believe what I wrote, yet it was the cry of my heart after losing my intimacy with God.  My fulfillment, my happiness, my contentment in life was no longer found in church attendance, size of buildings or budgets, but found in my intimate growing relationship with Jesus. Out of the overflow of that relationship, flows life and ministry.  

Can you be successfully inwardly and outwardly?  Absolutely.  You can hit all your goals with the Church or organization and with Jesus, and I love it when that happens!  This past Christmas, we crushed our Christmas Offering goal and I was thrilled.  However, hitting that goal was not the most important thing for me.  Intimacy with God, myself and others is.  I am more passionate about growing in my relationship with Jesus, being a loving husband, father and Pastor, than hitting a Christmas Offering goal.  When I retire, I am not taking my Church with me, I am taking Jesus.  What's more important than anything else is having a growing intimate relationship with Christ. 

Many Pastors will retire and be surprised to find out they will not have their Church or Jesus, because somewhere along the line the Church became more important than Jesus. 

Here are some things that I hope will help you keep Jesus the main thing and help you become the person God wants you to become.  

1.  MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS YOUR MOST IMPORTANT MINISTRY.  

Start your week off with a Monday meeting with Jesus.  Don't go into the office right away.  Don't start doing stuff.  Sit with Jesus.  Practice the welcoming prayer, lectio divine, the daily office, prayer of discernment, or simply just be with Jesus.  Journal, read Scripture, meditate, and rest.  Refuel your soul, go for a walk with Jesus, allow His Spirit to rejuvenate your heart and soul.  Then in the afternoon, take time to start asking God's Spirit to speak to you about next week's message.  Don't start writing a sermon, just listen.  Each day practice the daily office throughout the day.  That's when you stop, sit in silence with Jesus, read scripture and pray each day.  Do that two or three times a day.  Keep Jesus at the center of your day and week.  

2.  DON'T CHECK NUMBERS EVERY DAY.

I'm not telling you to not check the numbers.  What I am saying is stop checking them every day!  Once a month I check in on Sunday attendance, engagement, people serving, groups attendance for the purposes of effectiveness.  I like to see how our Church is connecting and engaging overall in the life of the Church in a month.  I used to get text messages every Sunday morning with attendance and offering numbers.  I couldn't wait to get them!  Numbers are important, there is a whole book in the Bible that is called Numbers!  Numbers represents changed lives also, however, the reality is that all heaven rejoices over 1 soul who gives their life to Christ!  I also evaluate annually with a coach who helps us discern what is effective, what is working, what needs to die, what needs to change. 

3.  STOP COMPARING AND JUST BE YOU.

You are not Steven Furtick, you are not Ed Young, you are not Craig Groeschel, you are not Carey Nieuwhof, and you are not Mike Todd, (If you are, What's up!"), you are YOU!  I love those guys. I've learned so much from them, but I am not them.  God called me to be me.  He called me to become who He has called me to be, and do what He has called me to do, His way in His time.  What makes those guys, and so many others so successful is that they are doing it the way God wants them to do it.  Comparison is the quickest way to kill the beautiful things God is doing in your life.  Sure, we can all learn from each other, but let's just be authentic.  

4.  FOCUS MORE ON BECOMING.  

Becoming who God wants you to become is most important.  Some questions I am asking myself these days are, "Am I becoming more loving, kind, generous, caring, concerned, empathetic, and gracious?"  or "Am I becoming the father, the husband, the son, the pastor the leader God wants me to become?"  I was encouraged recently to write my own obituary.  I know it sounds a little morbid, but it helped me define the kind of person I wanted to be remembered for.  Do you know that none of it included my accomplishments at Church or that I crushed the 2021 Christmas offering goal :). It was all about the kind of person I wanted to be known for.  It was the kind of person God created me to be.  It was who I was becoming.  

5.  DO WHAT GOD HAS PUT ON YOUR HEART TO DO.

There is so much more God wants to do in and through you that is so much more than how many people come to your Church on Sunday or watch you online.  Inside of you there may be a leader of leaders, author, teacher, theologian, coach, mentor, friend, and so much more.  You are more than your Sunday morning numbers.  You are a Child of God, called by God to become who God has called you to become and do what God has put you on this earth to do, that no one on this planet can do.  You are unique, and God has placed desires on your heart.  Step out in faith.  Out of the overflow of your relationship with Him do what God puts on your heart.  This is what Jesus talks about in John 15:5, "I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."  It is from that place of intimacy with Jesus that you begin producing much fruit for Jesus.  Fruit that remains.  

This is what I want you to do.  Take some time and ask the Holy Spirit to help you gain a deeper understanding of what is success.  Ask Him to show you who He wants you to become.  Begin taking time to rearrange your life around sacred rhythms that help you grow in intimacy with Jesus.  Make your relationship with Jesus the most important, don't check those numbers all the time, stop comparing and just be you, focus more on becoming and doing what God wants you to do and who He wants you to become and you will be successful.

Recommended Reading:  Emotionally Healthy Leader by Peter Scazzero

GRIEVING WELL

One afternoon while driving to my counselor's office, I began thinking about longevity in ministry.  I asked myself this question, "How in the world does any Pastor make it to retirement?"  I was dealing with some issues beneath the surface of my life that had been triggered by difficulties and challenges within the Church.  As I drove I found myself wishing I could find someone who had pastored a church for more than 30 years and ask them this question, "What's the secret?  How did you make it that far?"   

During my session with my counselor, I came to the realization that I was struggling with grief and loss.  I had stuffed my pain and my sadness down deep into my soul hoping that those emotions would somehow disappear so I wouldn't have to deal with them again.  The way I would deal with loss is to work.  Working would keep me distracted enough so that I did not have to deal with the pains and losses of life and ministry.  After years of stuffing, I came to discover that emotions buried alive never die.  Like the walking dead, they eventually came back to haunt me!

In my journey of the soul, I came to realize that the secret to happiness in life and longevity in ministry is grieving well.  

When we read the story of Job in the Scriptures, we feel awful for him because he lost everything in one day, his family, his wealth, his health, and his possessions.  What I have been learning over the years is that we are all Job, except our losses happen over a lifetime.  We eventually lose our kids to adulthood, our jobs to retirement, our health to aging, our loved ones to death, and eventually we lose all of our possessions at the end of our lives.  All throughout our lives we face many deaths that need to be grieved.

Life is a series of losses and so is ministry.  

In ministry we lose members, we lose relationships, we lose people we love, and we lose our energy and youthfulness.  For me, one of the hardest things I have had to deal with is losing the people I love.  Some because of retirement or relocation, others because they were hurt or offended.  Losing people has always been the hardest for me especially when they leave and they don't tell me why. 

What do we do when we experience loss?  We grieve well.  

I know that grieving is not something we love to experience.  We don't like how grieving feels, we don't like what it does to us emotionally, and we don't like the feelings that bring to the surface, but God created us with the ability to grieve so we can heal from what we have lost.  

Grief is our natural response to any loss.  It's the emotional suffering we experience when something or someone has been taken away from you.  It can feel overwhelming.  Grieving is messy, but what I am learning is that grieving is healing and an essential ingredient in living and leading well.  Healthy souls grieve well.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve, or timetable to determine how long you should grieve.  What is the most important is that you allow yourself to grieve.  Create the space to grieve.  Ignoring loss will not make the pain go away faster.  That's a myth.  Grieving allows you to face your pain, in the presence of the one who heals you of your pain.  

1 Thessalonians 4:13, "Do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope."  When we grieve we grieve with hope, knowing and believing that grieving is healing, God is with us, God is present with us, and God will work all things that we experience in our life and somehow bring good out of it.  The more we allow ourselves to grieve, the more we allow ourselves to heal, the more we are able to experience joy. Psalm 30:5, "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."   

What I am learning is the more I allow myself to feel sadness over the losses I have experienced in life, the more I am able to experience the joys of life.  

When I allow myself to feel sadness, I enlarge my soul to feel happiness.  Over these past several years I have been the happiest I have ever been in my life because I have grieved the most I have ever grieved in my life.  When losses come, I choose to grieve instead of stuff.  What I am learning is that the more I grieve the easier it is to grieve and the quicker I heal from those losses.  

I am learning how to grieve based on Jesus example of grief and loss as he led his disciples in communion on the night that he was betrayed.    Jesus did three things which gives us an example of how to grieve well.  

1.  HOLD THE CUP.  

When Jesus gathered His disciples he took the cup, as he held it He gave thanks.  We all will be given a cup to drink.  That cup represents loss, sorrow and pain.  My cup may look different than your cup, but we will all be given a cup.   When Jesus was in the garden, He even prayed in Luke 22:42, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me, yet not my will, but yours be done."  When we experience loss, we are to hold it, and give God thanks.  We are to pay attention to it and not ignore it.  We don't thank Him for the loss, but we thank Him for the strength, we thank Him because He is good, and we thank Him because we know that somehow and someway good will come from the pain.  When we hold the cup we hold the pain, we hold the sorrow, and we hold the loss.  We allow ourselves to feel it.  We surrender it to God and pray, not my will, but yours be done. 

2.  RAISE THE CUP.

We raise the cup to God.  We offer Him our grief and our sorrow in that painful and confusing place we may find ourselves in.  We give Him our pain.  We release everything to Jesus who knows all things.  We offer our suffering to Jesus.  Jesus is a man of sorrows, acquainted with our grief.  He knows what we feel.  He knows what we are experiencing.  He weeps with those who weeps.  He mourns with those who mourn.  When we raise our cup to Him, He meets us and He comforts us and He gives us the strength to walk through what we are walking through.  

3.  DRINK THE CUP.

After we raise the cup to Jesus, we drink the cup.  We accept what has happened and we allow it to be absorbed into our lives.  The suffering, the loss and the pain shape us and make us into the people God calls us to be.  Absorbing the loss also allows the old to birth the new.  Resurrection only comes out of suffering and death.  You can only experience a new beginning when you choose to embrace an ending.  

I love what Pete Scazerro says, "Grieving is not just letting go, but also letting it bless us."  

As I have learned to grieve, I have allowed grief to bless me.  I have experienced healing, and have found a new found joy and strength from God.  Grieving has also helped me love others better and be more in tune and in touch with others who are going through grief and loss.  I am learning to be more empathetic, compassionate, caring and kind.  I am becoming more loving, gracious, and concerning.  I haven't arrived, but I am growing and learning.  Grieving well has made such a better leader, and most importantly a better follower of Jesus.  My prayer for you today is that you grow in grief and discover the secret of grieving well.  

Recommended Resource:  Can You Drink the Cup by Henri Nouwen 

THE EMOTIONALLY UNHEALTHY LEADER

(The ideas and content of this post come right out of Pete Scazzero's book, "The Emotionally Healthy Leader." This book has had a profound impact on my life and leadership. The content is so good and rich I have summarized it to provide for you a picture of what an emotionally unhealthy leader looks like.)

What comes to mind when you think of an emotionally unhealthy leader? Or better yet, who is the first person that comes to mind? How would you describe this person? Is it someone who is chronically angry, controlling, aggressive? Or perhaps someone who is avoidant, inauthentic, emotional, passive aggressive? While emotionally unhealthy leadership expresses itself in all these ways and many more, the foundation definition of an emotionally unhealthy leaders is this: 

The emotionally unhealthy leader is someone who operates in a continuous state of emotional and spiritual deficit, lacking emotional maturity and a “being with God” sufficient to sustain their “doing for God.”

Unhealthy leaders lack self-awareness, awareness of their feelings, their weaknesses, their limits, how their past affects them, and how others experience them. They carry these immaturities with them into their teams and everything they do.

This is key, Spiritual deficits typically reveal themselves in too much activity. Unhealthy leaders engage in more activities than their combined spiritual, physical and emotional reserves can sustain. Results in emotionally and spiritually unhealthy people leading unhealthy ministries.

Four Characteristics of the Emotionally Unhealthy Leader.

1. LOW SELF-AWARENESS. 

Emotionally unhealthy leaders tend to be unaware of what is going on inside them. And even when they recognize a strong emotion such as anger, they fail to process or express it honestly and appropriately. They ignore emotion-related messages their body may send — fatigue, stress-induced illness, weight gain, ulcers, headaches, or depression. They avoid reflecting on their fears, sadness, or anger. They fail to consider how God might be trying to communicate with them through these “difficult” emotions. They struggle to articulate the reasons for their emotional triggers, their overreactions in the present rooted in difficult experiences from their past. 

2. PRIORITIZE MINISTRY OVER MARRIAGE OR SINGLENESS. 

Whether married or single, most emotionally unhealthy leaders affirm the importance of a healthy intimacy in relationships and lifestyle, but few, if any, have a vision for their marriage or singleness as the greatest gift they offer. Instead, they view their marriage or singleness as an essential and stable foundation for something more important — building an effective ministry, which is their first priority. As a result, they invest the best of their time and energy in becoming better equipped as a leader, and invest very little in cultivating a great marriage or single life that reveals Jesus’ love to the world. 

3. DO MORE ACTIVITY FOR GOD THAN YOUR RELATIONSHIP CAN SUSTAIN.  

Emotionally unhealthy leaders are chronically overextended. Although they routinely have too much to do in too little time, they persist in saying a knee-jerk yes to new opportunities before prayerfully and carefully discerning God’s will. The notion of a slowed-down spirituality — or slowed-down leadership — in which their doing for Jesus flows out of their being with Jesus is a foreign concept. If they think of it at all, spending time in solitude and silence is viewed as a luxury or something best suited for a different kind of leader, not part of their core spiritual practices or essential for effective leadership. Their first priority is leading their organization, team, or ministry as a means of impacting the world for Christ. If you were to ask them to list their top three priorities for how they spend their time as a leader, it’s unlikely that cultivating a deep, transformative relationship with Jesus would make the list. As a result, fragmentation and depletion constitute the “normal” condition for their lives and their leadership. 

4. LACK WORK/SABBATH RHYTHM. 

Emotionally unhealthy leaders do not practice Sabbath — a weekly, twenty-four-hour period in which they cease all work and rest, delight in God’s gifts, and enjoy life with him. They might view Sabbath observance as irrelevant, optional, or even a burdensome legalism that belongs to an ancient past. Or they may make no distinction between the biblical practice of Sabbath and a day off, using “Sabbath” time for the unpaid work of life, such as paying bills, grocery shopping, and errands. If they practice Sabbath at all, they do so inconsistently, believing they need to first finish all their work or work hard enough to “earn” the right to rest.

Truth is this, leading a church, an organization, or a ministry that transforms the world requires more than the latest leadership strategies and techniques. Lasting change in churches and organizations requires men and women who have been deeply changed by God and who are committed to leading from a deep and transformed inner life.

If you are going to lead from a deep and transformed inner life, you must:

1.  FACE YOUR SHADOW SIDE. 

Your shadow is the accumulation of untamed emotions, less-than-pure motives and thoughts that, while largely unconscious, strongly influence and shape your behaviors. It is the damaged but mostly hidden version of who you are. The shadow may erupt in various forms. Sometimes it reveals itself in sinful behaviors, such as judgmental perfectionism, outbursts of anger, jealousy, resentment, lust, greed, or bitterness. Or it may reveal itself more subtly through a need to rescue others and be liked by people, a need to be noticed, an inability to stop working, a tendency toward isolation, or rigidity. Aspects of the shadow may be sinful, but they may also simply be weaknesses or wounds. They tend to appear in the ways we try to protect ourselves from feeling vulnerable or exposed.

Most leaders search out books on leadership to discover new tools, ideas, or skills. We are charged with the task of knowing what to do next, knowing why it is important, and then bringing the necessary resources to bear to make it happen. Yet the first and most difficult task we face as leaders is to lead ourselves. Why? Because it requires confronting parts of who we are that we prefer to neglect, forget, or deny. The first step by allowing himself to experience the sharp pain of confronting aspects of himself he has previously worked hard to avoid.

2.  LEAD OUT OF A HEALTHY MARRIAGE. 

For many of us we believe that a leader’s highest priority is to build an effective and successful ministry to reveal Jesus’ love to the world. We give our best time and energy to achieve that objective. Marriage or singleness is important, but secondary on the priority list. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Marriage Is Your first Ambition. The word ambition is defined as “a strong desire to achieve something.” That seems like a reasonable thing to have, right? The first ambition for married Christian leaders must shift from leading our church, organization, or team to loving our spouse passionately. Marriage is your loudest Gospel message.

3.  SLOW DOWN TO BE WITH GOD. 

It is possible to build a church, an organization, or a team by relying only on our gifts, talents, and experience. We can serve Christ in our own energy and wisdom. We can expand a ministry or a business without thinking much of Jesus or relying on him in the process. We can boldly preach truths we don’t live. And if our efforts prove successful, few people will notice or take issue with the gaps between who we are and what we do. 

What Is Loving Union? Loving union is not the de facto equivalent of devotions and quiet time. Nor is it about engaging in a long list of spiritual practices. Or having emotionally intense experiences with God. Loving union is not about managing your schedule better or simply not being busy. It is not so much about having a sustainable pace of life. As important as such things may be, it is possible to engage in them without necessarily experiencing loving union. So what is loving union, and why does it require so much time? 

In his classic book Prayer, theologian Hans Urs von Balthasar describes Jesus this way: “Here is a man, sinless, because he has lovingly allowed the Father’s will full scope in his life.”  Think about that simple but profound statement for a moment. Read it a few more times until it really sinks in. What von Balthasar is describing here is loving union — to lovingly allow God to have full access to your life. These are Jesus’ words to the Christians in Laodicea and to us: “Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me." Revelation 3:20

4.  KEEP THE SABBATH.

Biblical Sabbath is a twenty-four-hour block of time in which we stop work, enjoy rest, practice delight, and contemplate God. The traditional Jewish Sabbath begins at sundown on Friday and ends at sundown Saturday. In most Christian traditions, Sabbath has been observed on Sunday. The apostle Paul considered one day for Sabbath as good as another (Romans 14: 1 – 17). So the particular day of the week doesn’t matter. What matters is to set aside a twenty-four-hour period and protect it. The fact that Sabbath happens weekly means that it has a rhythm, one that stands in stark contrast to the typical rhythm of the world around us. Four foundational characteristics of Sabbath are, stop work, enjoy rest, practice delight, and contemplate God.

Recommended resource:  Emotionally Healthy Leader by Pete Scazzero

LIVING WITH RHYTHMS

Rhythm is the movement or repeated pattern of a beat. Rhythm is music’s pattern in time. It is the one indispensable element of all music. Rhythm can exist without melody, but melody cannot exist without rhythm. Rhythm is what keeps a song together.

In creation, there is also a rhythm. The sun rises and the sun sets. The tide comes in and goes out. Birds migrate and return. Seasons change. There is life and death. God’s rhythmic imprint has been placed upon the earth and heavens. Our senses are aware of theses rhythms — we can smell the air and know what the weather will be like. We’re used to the rhythm of the climate.

Not only are there rhythms in creation, but there are also rhythms in our own lives. We have the rhythm of work, rest, vacations, holidays, school, seasons, etc… This is what I am learning about rhythms.   

When our rhythms are in sync with God’s rhythms, life flows easily – we have more energy and tend to view things more positively, and we are more connected with God and others and we find life more satisfying. 

When we live our lives out of sync, we live erratic, stressful, overworked lives which is causing arrhythmia of the soul. Arrhythmia is a term used to refer to an irregular heartbeat. When we have arrhythmia of the soul we live irregular, off balance lives that leave us depleted, burnt out, without margin, and most concerning stuck spiritually with very little or no space to cultivate and grow in relationship with God. 

HOW'S YOUR SOUL?

When our lives are out of sync with God's rhythm for us, our soul makes a lot of noise.  What kind of noise is your soul making right now?  Is your soul crying out, "I'm overwhelmed, tired, worn out, burnt out, exhausted.  I just can't keep doing this!"  Is your soul dreaming about going away for a month just to rest and even maybe thinking about never coming back?    If you are, you are probably dealing with arrhythmia of the soul.  Here are some of the symptoms.  

1. IRRITABILITY OR HYPERSENSITIVITY.

Things that normally wouldn’t bother us (such as a child’s mistake, another driver cutting us off in traffic or a coworker’s irritating habit) put us over the edge. We may or may not express our rage outwardly, but inwardly we are aware of reactions that are all out of proportion to the event itself.

2. RESTLESSNESS.

We can’t relax. Sit still. We always have to be on the go always having to do something. When it is time to rest, we might find ourselves unable to settle down and sit quietly or fall asleep. Because we are overstimulated, our sleep may be broken, disturbed by too much mental activity or disturbing dreams.

3. COMPULSIVE OVERWORKING.

“Overwork is this decade’s cocaine, the problem without a name,” says Bryan Robinson, who has written widely about the phenomenon and estimates that as many as 25 percent of Americans have this addiction. A chronic worker is one who has no boundaries on work, checks e-mail late into the evening, and is unable to unplug completely to go on vacation, to enter into solitude or to spend uninterrupted time with family.

4. EMOTIONAL NUMBNESS.

When we are pushing our limit, we may notice that we can’t feel anything— good or bad. It takes energy to experience and process a full range of human emotion.

5. ESCAPIST THOUGHTS AND BEHAVIORS.

First off, we may have these feelings of wanting to escape from our lives. Like if I can only move to the beach, everything will be so much better! Trust me, I have had the thoughts.

6. NOT ABLE TO ATTEND TO YOUR NEEDS.

We don’t have time to take care of basic human needs such as exercise, eating right, sleeping enough, going to the doctor, having that minor (or major) surgery we need. Even such simple things as getting the car washed, picking up the dry cleaning or staying organized seem impossible to accomplish, indicating that we’re pushing the limits of being human. We may also notice that our most important relationships (family and friends) are routinely being short-changed.

7. SLIPPAGE IN YOUR SPIRITUAL PRACTICES.

Practices that are normally life-giving (solitude and silence, prayer, personal reflection on Scripture, journaling, self-examination, caring for the body) become burdensome, and we don’t have energy for them even though we know they are good for us. We might even find that we are so accustomed to using God and Scripture for ministry purposes that we no longer know how to be with God for ourselves personally. We know that there are things we need to attend to in God’s presence, but we truly do not have the energy or the will. Over time, this becomes a symptom and also a source of our depletion.

We must all come face to face with our limits and embrace God’s rhythms for our lives. There are limits to our time, limits to our energy, limits to our resources, limits to our finances. When we embrace those limits, we will discover a life of peace and contentment.

What we need to discover are God’s sacred rhythms for our lives. These rhythms feed and nourish the soul, keeping us open and available for God’s work in our lives, they are countercultural and require discipline. 

In Matthew 11:28-30, Jesus says, “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

If we can learn these unforced rhythms of grace, Jesus says, we will learn to live freely and lightly with God.

What are those unforced rhythms of grace?  Here are a few that have helped me.  

1.  RHYTHM OF SILENCE AND SOLITUDE.

Solitude is a place. It is a place in time that is set apart for God and God alone, a time when we unplug and withdraw from the noise of interpersonal interactions, from the noise, busyness and constant stimulation associated with life in the company of others. With a physical place that has been set apart for times alone with God, a place that is not cluttered with work, noise, technology, other relationships, or any of those things that call us back into doing mode. Most important, solitude is a place inside myself where God’s Spirit and my spirit dwell together in union. This place within me is private and reserved for the intimacies that God and I share.  In Solitude we are still, silent, and with God. We pray, read Scripture, listen, give attention to our souls, unplug, and are present with what is.  I have learned to practice silence and solitude at least 2 to 3 times per day.  Longer in the mornings and a shorter moments throughout my day.  It center's me and keeps me connected with God.  I have also learned to practice silence and solitude weekly and months by taking an entire day to be with God each month.  

2.  RHYTHM OF SABBATH.

The word Sabbath comes from the Hebrew word that means “to cease, to stop working.” It refers to doing nothing related to work for a twenty-four hour period each week. It refers to this unit of time around which we are to orient our entire lives as “holy,” meaning “separate, a cut above” the other six days. Sabbath provides for us now an additional rhythm for an entire reorientation of our lives around the living God.  During sabbath we imitate God by stopping our work and resting for 24 hours.  I do my best not to shop, do household chores, or anything revolving my work.  I learn just to rest and be, because we all need a break from he busyness of the world, and the world needs a break from us.  

3.  RHYTHM OF EXERCISE.  

Can't stress enough how important exercise is to your mental, emotional and physical rest.  Walking, running, moving your body a few times per week can help reduce stress, release anxiety, and keep you mentally and emotionally healthy and stable.  

4.  RHYTHM OF REST. 

Going to bed early and getting enough sleep is critical to your health.  Also, resting weekly, and an extended time of resting annually can restore your soul and rejuvenate your spirit.  Doing things that fill your bucket, and rest your soul are also so important like walking, nature, the arts, hiking, sports, can be so life giving.  I love it when I go for a long walk in nature.  It feeds my soul and rests my mind and heart from the worries of life.  I recognize that God is inc control.  

5.  RHYTHM OF FUN.  

I wonder how many of us schedule times in our week for fun?  The word recreation comes from recreate.  We  re create when we do things we enjoy and are fun to do like go to a concert, hang out with friends, go out to dinner, watch a funny movie, play a sport, go to an amusement park, family movie night or family game night, date night, etc... Life is meant to be enjoyed.  A healthy leader is learning how to enjoy life. 

6.  RHYTHM OF RELATIONSHIPS. 

I have learned to meet regularly with a counselor, a spiritual director and a coach.  These professional relationships have had an incredible impact on my life and helped me become healthy.  I also make space  to be with my family, my wife, my boys, my close friends and those I love.  The healthier I get, the more I realize is that life is more about being present with others, rather than getting things done on my to do list.  I am also learning how important it is to have friends outside the church.  I realize I need relationships that make me feel normal outside of my role as a pastor.  

WHERE DO YOU BEGIN? STOP, LOOK, LISTEN

STOP what you are doing and LOOK at how you are living. Look at your rhythms. Look within you to see if you are exhibiting any symptoms that you indicate you may be living with arrhythmia of the soul. LISTEN to your body, your heart, and your soul and LISTEN to the Holy Spirit. Come face to face with the understanding that how you are living is not good and start making changes.  Take out your calendar and schedule these rhythms in.  These rhythms feed and nourish your soul, keeping you open and available for God’s work in your life. If you can learn these unforced rhythms of grace, Jesus says, we will learn to live freely and lightly with God.

Recommended resource:  Sacred Rhythms by Ruth Haley Barton

FINDING REST IN A RESTLESS WORLD

We live under a weight of demands that can be debilitating. We become overscheduled, overworked, and overstimulated which become chronic stressors that lead to behavioral, mood and attention disorders.  We cannot see that we are causing ourselves physical, emotional and behavioral health problems as we try harder to go faster and do more.  In a world gone mad, our souls have been drained and depleted, and we are just trying to make it through each day with very little room to breathe. How do we handle the stress?  The pressure?  The pace?  How do we find rest?

For most of us, this is what our lives look like:  work> work> work> work> work> work> vacation!!! >work >work>work>work>work>work>vacation!!!  

What if I were to tell you that there is a better way to live?  

When I experienced burnout several years ago, it was difficult for me to find rest. I was exhausted, tired, and depleted all the time. I was not only tired physically, I was tired mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Outwardly, it appeared like I was successful. I was pastoring a successful growing church but inwardly I was tired and exhausted. I was burnt out. I was spent. I was numb. I was breathing, but not living. I was just going through the motions of life but not really enjoying life.

I went to bed early, I took naps during the day, and  I even took a weekly day off, sometimes, yet, I never really was able to find real rest.  What I came to realize was that what I needed was more than a nap, more than a vacation, and more than a day off, I needed rest for my soul.  

Soul rest is the the most important rest that we all need as leaders.  I love what David writes in Psalm 23, "He restores my soul."  We don't just need a day off from our jobs, we need rest for our souls.  Our soul is the seat of the mind, heart, and the emotions.  We give out so much, that if we don't rest our souls, we will burn out.  I have discovered that burn out is not doing too much but giving what we do not possess.   

How do we find rest in a restless world? 

1.  EMBRACE YOUR LIMITS.  

Life works best when we live within our limits and recognize that limits are a gift from God. Many of us are living our lives with NO LIMITS.  God wants us to embrace a life in which we KNOW LIMITS.  Central to living a healthy life is recognizing that God is God and we are not. Only God is unlimited. Knowing our limits and embracing those limits can actually the be key to you becoming the person God created you to be and live the life God intends for you to live and finding true rest.   We need to recognize that the title Pastor or Leader does not mean Superman or Superwoman.  We are human and we need rest. 

2.  PUSH PAUSE.

Jesus says in Matthew 11:28-29 MSG, Jesus says, “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest." Jesus says that if we are going to find real rest, we need to come to Him.   The way we come to him is by pushing pause.  When we pause we get quiet before God, settle down, and center ourselves.  When we pause we give ourselves permission to breath and come back to God.  Pushing pause allows us to be human, notice our emotions, and allows us to just be.  Pausing opens our souls to God, it connects our soul to God, and it keeps us in connection with God.  When we pause we rest, when we rest we find Jesus. 

I have been learning to:

1. Pause daily.  I pause in the morning for a time of silence and prayer.  I pause throughout my day to be with God with what is.  Pausing daily invites God into the madness of my day, it centers my soul and opens my heart to His presence.
2. Pause weekly.  Every week I observe the Sabbath from 6pm on Friday night to 6pm on Saturday night.  I unplug, refuel, eat some great food, get out into nature and reflect on the goodness of God.  I don't run errands, catch up on chores, or do any sort of work.  It's a day to stop working, delight in God's presence and rest in Him.
3. Pause Monthly.  Every month I take a day to be with God.  It's a day to find rest for my soul, my mind and my emotions and to be present with Jesus.  
4. Pause Yearly.  This is not a vacation.  This is a time to rest in God while on vacation.  I schedule in during my vacation time for soul rest.  It's like putting together multiple Sabbath days of resting, reflecting, and being with God and enjoying His goodness and blessings.  

3.  UNPLUG.

You may not realize it but our phones, laptops, watches, televisions are draining and depleting our souls. The constant over stimulation from these devices are not helping us but hurting us.  We are becoming more and more addicted to technology and it is doing violence to our souls.  Who you are plugged into and what you are plugged into will determine your joy, your peace, your strength, your outlook on life, and your perception of reality.    Our lives are filled with a relentless assault on our attention and we have to put a stop to it.  

What happens when we don’t unplug?  

1. We become overwhelmed by the world and our circumstances.
2. We become vulnerable to temptation.
3. We are numb to our needs and the needs of those around us.
4. We are less present to our souls, our hurts, our needs, our disappointments, our fears, the less present we are to God.
5. We grow farther away in our relationship with Jesus.

If you are going to find rest for your soul, you've got to create times in your day in which you
unplug from everything else.  For me it begins at 7:00pm-7:00am every day.  I completely unplug during my Sabbath.  I also unplug during times in my day that I am writing and spending time with God.  For exmple, I am completely unplugged right now as I write!  Unplugging has been a great way to rest my mind, my heart and my soul from the craziness of the world.  

4.  REFILL YOUR BUCKET.

What fills your bucket?  What refuels you?  What fills your soul?  For me it's nature.  I love being in nature.  I love walking, running, biking, fishing, hiking and the beach.  I try to do this several times a week.  Get outside.  Sit on the back deck.  Walk. Look at the trees.  Smell the flowers.  Drive with my windows down.  

I also have grown to love theater, music, the arts and the symphony.  Ruth and I try to make it out to check out the arts a few times per year.  We have grown to love the arts, music, and theater.  Recently on my trip to see my son in Miami, we took time to visit an art gallery in his neighborhood.  Our souls were filled as we looked at the incredible art pieces by young up and coming artists.   

We all need to get in touch with our souls and what our souls need.  Some of us just enjoy sitting down reading a great novel while drinking coffee, maybe some of us enjoy drawing and sketching, or maybe biking or fishing.  When we are busy, we often don't create the space for things that fill our bucket.  What I am learning is that when I am busy I am really being lazy because I have not been intentional about caring for my soul.  Find what refills your bucket and do it regularly.  

5.  MOVE YOUR BODY.

There is something about exercise that makes me feel better about myself and helps me rest my soul.  It is proven that exercise improves your mood, increases self-confidence, helps you relax, improves your sleep, and lowers symptoms of mild depression and anxiety.  Exercise also reduces levels of the body's stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol. It stimulates the production of endorphins, chemicals in the brain that are the body's natural painkillers and mood elevators.  If you are going to find rest you have to move your body, exercise, walk, run, or find something that moves you physically. When you move you body you will rest your soul.  

What steps does God want you to take to focus more on your soul than your role? What small changes can you make in your week that will create time and space to rest your heart and soul? I am living my best life because I recognize that I don't rest from work, I work from rest.  I have learned to start my week rested and each day rested.  My day does not start in the morning, but it starts at night.  God first created the night then the day.  The day begins while we are sleeping.  When we wake up the day is usually 6 or 7 hours old.  This is how God has designed us to live our lives and to work from a rested soul.  

Recommended resource:  "Get Your Life Back" by John Eldridge  

WHAT IS A HEALTHY LEADER?

This is a question that many times is answered subjectively based on what an individual person thinks a healthy leader looks like.  For some, a healthy leader is someone who goes to the gym several times a week, goes on vacation, takes a consistent day off, has devotions in the morning, attends prayer meetings, shares his or her faith on a regular basis, or has a deep understanding of Scripture and doctrine.  What I have learned is that you can do all of those things and do them well and still not be healthy.  

So, what does a healthy leader really look like?  Throughout the past several years I have come to learn that 2 Corinthians 7:10-13 (Msg) gives us the best understanding of what a healthy leader looks like.  

Healthy leaders are becoming, "More alive, more concerned, more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible." 2 Corinthians 7:10-13 (Msg)

There is so much to unpack here and it would probably take me writing an entire book to explain the depth of what this verse means as it relates to healthy leaders.  However, let me summarize it this way.  Healthy leaders are learning to enjoy God and to enjoy life and those who are closest to them see it. 

1.  Healthy Leaders ask, "Who is God, and how do I enjoy the life changing presence of God?"  

Healthy leaders are growing in closeness and intimacy with God.  They are living in loving union with God and enjoying His presence daily.  This is more than a quiet time in the morning.  This is a relationship with God that is experienced deep in the soul through spiritual practices that open us up to the life changing presence of Jesus deep beneath the surface of our lives.  

A big reason why I burnt out was because the spiritual practices that I had learned throughout my life were not sufficient to sustain what I was giving.  In other words, that quick devotion and prayer in the morning was just not enough.  I would even add, the prayer meeting in the afternoon with our prayer team wasn't enough either.  I had to learn new practices that opened my soul up to the presence of Jesus.  Practices like silence and solitude, breath prayers, the welcoming prayer, lectio divina, the Daily Office, fixed hours of prayer, retreat, and so many more.  

I love what McDaniel writes in Living From the Center.  He writes, "In contrast to the obligatory, guilt producing quiet time, healthy pastors have explored and developed life practices of connecting with God in ways that enlighten our minds, lighten our loads, widen our hearts, animate our wills, and provide us with fresh possibilities in daily life." 

2.  Healthy Leaders ask, "Who am I and how do I develop a growing understanding of myself." 

I love how Pete Scazzero puts it, he writes that we must "Know ourselves that we may know God."  The truth is that most of us don't know who we are.  We identify with our role but do not fully understand who we are in our soul.   We often try to live other people's lives and never fully become who God created for us to become.  We live our lives trying to be all things to all people but lose our soul in the process.  

A prayer that I prayed for months was by St Francis of Assisi who prayed, "Who are you, Lord my God and who am I?"  To be honest, I had no idea who I was outside of what I did.  It wasn't until I started journeying within that I found my true self.  

As growing leaders we need to pursue a growing understanding of our:

• Capabilities
• Personality
• Motivations
• Emotional health
• Physical body
• Family of origin
• Our past and it's impact on the present
• Calling

This understanding enables us to develop effective healthy lifestyle habits, regulate our moods, nurture our joy, take care of our brain and our body, and reorient our lives around what God is calling us to become.  We are not our roles, we are souls.  Do you know who you are outside of what you do?  One day you are going to stop being a leader, and then you will be forced to answer the question, "Who am I?"  Don't go to the grave without fully knowing and understanding who you are.  

3.  Healthy Leaders ask, "Who are you, and how do I relate to you in an emotionally healthy way?"   

Healthy leaders are learning how to relate to others in an emotionally healthy way.  We are growing in our ability to:

• Communicate with others in an emotionally healthy and relationally intelligent way
• Resolve conflict and repair relationships
• Be authentic and accountable in close relationships where we can have safe community, be pastored and mentored
• Protect relationships with appropriate boundaries

What I have learned is that healthy leaders are growing in love with God, themselves and others.  If we are going to be healthy, then we have to make our health the most important priority in our lives because the best thing you can bring to your leadership is a healthy you.   

Where can you start?  Start by reading "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" by Pete Scazzero.  It was the very first book I read on emotional health that got me on the journey. 

BEATING BURNOUT

I vividly remember stepping down off the stage one Sunday several years ago after preaching the second service out of three and I thought I was having some sort of demonic attack. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t speak, my mouth became dry, I couldn’t focus, I began to slur, I was having a breakdown but didn’t know it. My wife called on some of our leaders to come around and pray for me, in what we all thought was spiritual warfare. Others thought it might be hypoglycemia. So, they prayed and gave me something to eat and I mustered up enough energy to preach my third service of the day. 

The following day a staff member picked me up and brought me to the doctor. I was in a fog. Couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t even drive. It had to be something related to my blood sugar, I thought. My doctor took some blood tests and everything came back perfect. My blood was fine. No issues. She told me I probably needed to get some rest. 

I had been pushing hard for several years now. Over a 20-year period of time, I had taken three declining churches and gave everything I had to turn them around. When I took over my current church 12 years ago. The church was struggling and the building was falling apart. We started with 100 people and 5 years later we were over 1,000 people in two locations and had renovated at least 80% of the building.  Outwardly, I was doing incredibly well and appeared extremely successful. However, it was all an illusion. Inwardly I was dying. I was empty, I was exhausted and depleted. My emotions had shut down and I could no longer feel, think, or sometimes breathe. I was dangerously tired and needed help. 

I got to the point that I couldn’t do it anymore and I realized something was wrong. I needed a break. I needed relief. That’s when my wife told me she wanted us to get away and go to Vegas. There was a Women’s Conference at Central Church that she really wanted to attend. I thought it would be great. She would attend the conference and I would hit the Vegas strip! I could check that off my bucket list. I had never been to Vegas before and thought this was a great opportunity for me to finally get away and get the rest I needed, while exploring the entertainment capital of the world. 

After her first session, my wife mentioned to me that the Pastor of Central, Jud Wilhite, was holding a round table for the husbands that were in town the next morning. It sounded like a good idea. I thought attending the round table would make the trip more spiritual and it would give me a chance to check out Central Church and meet Jud, as long as it wasn’t too long. I did have plans to head back out to the Vegas strip and explore some more. 

The next morning, I found myself sitting at this round table event with about 20 or 25 guys. Jud welcomed us and thanked us for being there, and then right out the gate he said one of the most jaw dropping statements I had ever heard a pastor ever say publicly. He said, “The best decision I ever made was to go see a counselor.” I was blown away. I thought to myself, “Jud? One of the coolest Pastor’s around, who leads one of the largest churches in the nation, goes to a counselor?”  It was the very first time that I had ever heard a Pastor be so transparent with his life, and it was the very first time in my life that I felt it was OK not to be OK. 

Maybe I need to see a counselor?” I immediately thought to myself. Then I thought, “but what would a counselor do for me? I mean, I’m supposed to be a counselor and now I am going to go to a counselor?”  I was just not sure, but it was the first time in my life that I had permission to go get help. 

When we got back from Vegas, I mustered up the courage and made an appointment to see a counselor. I was so nervous to make that appointment.  I was afraid that someone might recognize me then judge me and even felt embarrassed that I was a Pastor in need of counseling, but I went.  I decided to go to someone in another state so no one would see me or recognize me. I felt so awkward walking into that office for the first time, but I knew it was where I needed to be. It was your typical counselor’s office. Something you would see on TV with two large maroon chairs and a couch. “There is no way I am going to sit on the shrink’s couch,” I thought to myself so I sat in the chair next to him. 

I don’t remember much of the details of that first visit with Ted, except that I remember thinking that I wasn’t sure if I would go back. At the end of the session, Ted says, “Let’s look at our schedules for our next session. How’s next week?” “Umm, sure, yeah, that will work” I said to him. I was too embarrassed to tell him that I didn’t think I was going to come back, but I did. I went back, again and again and again every week for six months. Then bi-weekly for another twelve months, and now monthly for the past few years.  During those sessions, God began to peel away the layers of my heart like the layers of an onion. In that office, God started transforming my life, week after week, day after day, session after session. 

Walking into that office was one of the most life changing decisions I have ever made in my life, other than becoming a follower of Jesus and marrying my beautiful bride Ruth. I can honestly say that had I not made the decision to get help, I wouldn’t be here today. I was ready to quit my church, quit being a pastor, and even felt like giving up on life.  However, God met me at that counselor’s office. After each session God began healing my heart and my soul. I recognized that I was unhealthy, my soul was empty, I was depleted, my emotions were shut down, I was burnt out and I was an emotional mess. I needed help. I needed to heal. I needed to be restored. I needed transformation. I needed Jesus.  

During my counseling sessions I had come to the realization that I was burnt out for several reasons. Here are a few:

1. I had neglected my emotional life.  I had unprocessed grief from years of ministry losses and the death of my second born son Seth. 
2. My spiritual practices were not sufficient to give me the nourishment I needed to sustain the amount I was giving each week.  
3. I lived without limits or boundaries.  
4. I was out of rhythm with God’s life giving rhythms for my life.  
5. I was not remembering the Sabbath.  
6. I had not created space and time to give Jesus access to what was beneath the surface of my life.  

During this very difficult time in my life, I came across these words of Jesus that changed my outlook on life and ministry.  Jesus said, “And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?” Mark 8:36.  At that moment, it’s as if the light bulb went on.  “What does it benefit me if I reach the world for Jesus, but I lose my soul in the process.” From that moment on, my focus would be reaching the world, but from a healthy soul.  

So, how did I beat burnout? Here are the keys that helped my beat burnout, and my prayer is that they may get you on the path to beating burnout too. If you are going to beat burnout you are going to have to:

1.  SLOW DOWN IN ORDER TO GIVE JESUS ACCESS WHAT'S BENEATH THE SURFACE OF YOUR LIFE. 

I had discovered a slowed down spirituality that involved creating space and time in my life to give Jesus access to my soul was the most important key to beating burnout.  For most of my life, I lived at a pace that didn’t allow me much time to sit and be with Jesus.  There was always one more thing to do, one more message to respond to, one more soul to reach.  It wasn’t until I slowed down my life and created significant time and space within each day to be with Jesus in silence and solitude that I began to come back from burnout.  That 10 minute Bible app devotion was no longer cutting it.  This was where my healing and restoration began.  

2. GRIEVE YOUR LOSSES.

For years I thought that grief was something I needed to avoid or something that was only acceptable if someone had died.  Even in cases when someone did pass, we were not supposed to grieve like the world does!  I realized that after years of ministry losses and losses in life, I had years of unresolved grief buried deep in my soul.  Emotions buried alive never die.  Eventually, my emotions reached a limit and could no longer handle any more losses.  I learned that grieving was healing and as I grieved losses from the past several years, my soul began to declutter and experience healing and wholeness.  

3. EMBRACE YOUR LIMITS.

As I began to experience healing I began to realize that I could not do everything and please everyone.  I learned that I was not a human doing but a human being.  That required me to embrace my limits.  I began living with rhythms of rest and work.  Instead of working all week and then crashing after Sunday services, I started my work week from rest.  I’m not just talking about rest physically, I’m talking about soul rest.  I honor the Lord with a Sabbath day in which I set apart a 24 hour period of time to stop, rest, be with Jesus and do things that rest my soul like walking, hiking, biking or just vegging out on the couch and watching reruns of the King of Queens.  

4. HONOR THE BODY.

Physical health and fitness is not emphasized in ministry circles as very important, but I have learned that without it, I am not living my best life.  I have recognized the need to eat healthy and exercise regularly.  I am an emotional eater so if I’m stressed, I eat.  If I’m happy, I eat.  If I’m sad, I eat.  If I’m tired, I eat.  If we had a record attendance, I eat!  I recognized that what I put in my body and how I treat my body affects not just my mind but my emotions. The more I exercised and ate cleaner, the better I was and the healthier I was mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.   

5. PRIORITIZE MARRIAGE OVER MINISTRY.

It’s easy to make the Bride of Christ more important than your bride or groom, but I had to learn that the most important relationship in my life outside of my relationship with Jesus is with my wife.  One day I will stop pastoring my Church, but my wife will always be my wife.  I prioritize my marriage over ministry because a healthy leader leads from a close and intimate relationship with Jesus and with his or her spouse. 

After five years from my burnout experience, I am happy to say that I am the healthiest I have ever been in my life, my marriage is the strongest it's ever been,  I am the closest to Jesus than I have ever been, and I am the most productive than I have ever been.  Beating burnout is possible.  If God rescued me, healed me and restored me He can absolutely do it for you. No one is too far from God’s healing and transforming power.  God has an incredible plan for your life. If you’re not dead, then you’re not done. He loves you for who you are and the way you are, but He loves you way too much for you to remain the same.  There is hope.  It’s not time to give up.  It’s not time to quit.  It’s time to change.  There is life on the other side of burnout.